A one woman show!


The trick is to work out who you actually are?

My usual cheerful hello to you on this beautiful day, and I hope that it is treating you with much kindness. These last few days where I have not been in my best health, either psychically or mentally, I have been reading that wonderful new book, which is giving me plenty to think about. I have also been reading books about various illnesses and how people have recovered and become better and healthier. It is very interesting the number of people who are given very negative news, health wise and have overcome it by trying different methods.

I honestly think that my biggest problem is that I have always been so proud of my mastery of the English language (my Nana had me reading novels like War and Peace before I got to my teenage years), and my ability to master  History, and now I have problems recalling a simple word for a sentence. I truly hate the fact that I can not hang a sentence together, spell or read as I did before the stroke. I have always been an avid reader and have been known to read a novel a night. 

I am dyslexic and successfully managed to complete 10 years of formal education, a four-year apprenticeship and two years of my BA before it was picked up, I  had basically the intelligence to bluff my way through about 38 years before it was discovered that the letters on the page were not always in order.  Now, I have to start again and I get so upset as I am just so confused about what I should do. I could focus on my English or build my confidence by undertaking a new task. While I was in the mental health unit and painted the three oil paintings (which did not look too bad), this is not a skill I have ever done before so I have no way of being good or bad, just build it up until I have something I can show off. 

I know I have to lose weight but I really think that for me to do that successfully I honestly need to be happy about who I am. I think I eat as a form of reward and this will not change until I have my head working independently – that is retrained from childhood where my mother would not give me junk food with my siblings because I have been naughty, so now if I think I have made a mistake I go straight to the rubbish.

I really need to stop being nasty to myself and setting my expectations so high. I am in my mid-fifties so I will have restrictions naturally and I just need to work toward something I can be comfortable with. I have to adjust to the fact that because I help others when they need it does not mean that they will return the favour so I have to go it as a one-man show and small steps. Keep a journal that has eating (not diet) patterns, emotions, ideas and my medical information – one of those A4 ones that have 5 sections in them and buy those beautiful coloured pens so I have cheerful penning. 

I have changed my eating patterns to a cross between vegetarian and vegan, and hope that it will help with the weight loss but also make it easier to organise my meals on my bad days and weeks. I have also decided to go back to the nature lotions we used in the 60/70s for our beauty routines. I figured that if I stop loading my body with artificial chemicals, it has to be good.

Anyway, I will keep you all posted, I have taken photos and have all my measurements so if this all works out as I plan it to, I will share the before and after ones with you all.

Again thank you for reading my plans and if you have any tips certainly feel free to share them with me. Have a great day.

My world is not the perfect novel!

A cheerful and loving Wednesday to you. I hope that your day is treating you with understanding and kindness. I am still not in a good space but I have been reading a book that has been very enlightening for me. “Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexcepted Solutions.” This book is penned by Award-winning journalist Johann Hari. So it is going to be one of those blogs where I look back at my past and the problems I am trying to deal with now and what this writer has to add. I am going to start with what is written by the bookstores to get the reader interested. What really causes depression and anxiety – and how can we really solve them? This is not a nice blog so if you do not want to read anything about the nasty side of people log out now and I will chat with you tomorrow. 

Award-winning journalist Johann Hari suffered from depression since he was a child and started taking anti-depressants when he was a teenager. He was told that his problems were caused by a chemical imbalance in his brain. As an adult, trained in the social sciences, he began to investigate whether this was true – and he learned that almost everything we have been told about depression and anxiety is wrong. Across the world, Hari found social scientists who were uncovering evidence that depression and anxiety are not caused by a chemical imbalance in our brains. In fact, they are largely caused by key problems with the way we live today. Hari´s journey took him from a mind-blowing series of experiments in Baltimore to an Amish community in Indiana, to an uprising in Berlin. Once he had uncovered nine real causes of depression and anxiety, they led him to scientists who are discovering seven very different solutions – ones that work.

His book is wonderful and looks at the issue of depression and anxiety from a different viewpoint, for me at least, as at the age of seven I was told that I was suffering from depression (my family had a history of mental illness, including a couple of suicides), the doctor did not really listen to anything I told him and it made no difference that I was being sexually abused by a family friend, so when I told my mother when I was seven, she belted me for lying and made me say sorry to the arsehole (yes, I remember it all from four to nine) for telling fibs about him. 

I was the eldest in the family, my three siblings all had psychical and mental problems, and my parents also took in two other family members – cousins, because the department of family services was going to place them in care and my mother would not allow that to happen. As I was considered the ‘grown up’ it fell to me to do all the chores. I was also very protective of my siblings and if they did something wrong I would take the blame so I would end up getting the punishment.

I was always the family problem, nothing I did was good enough, I am dyslexic (was not picked up until I was at university 28 years later) it was put down to me just being STUPID and LAZY.  I, of course,  rebelled big time if there was any form of social rule to be broken I did, I always defended those that others were nasty too, and as I was a child of the 60/70s I was very rebellious. Of course, my POOR parents receive so much compassion and understanding for having to tolerate such a horrid child. I still have the psychical scars from my childhood, and I will not mention the mental scarring! Now if this book is correct the scars are from my childhood. I have basically ignored that part of my anxiety and depression as it has been seen as an issue from adulthood, and has nothing to do with my childhood.

I am going to start a journal for what I can remember in my childhood, I have many remembers that are quite a clear from the age of four and if Johann Hari is correct with his theories then I may be able to fix my self up


When she was obese, men never hit on her, but when she got down to a healthy weight, for the first time in a long time, she was propositioned by a man. She fled, and right away began to eat compulsively, and she couldn’t stop.This was when Felitti thought to ask a question he hadn’t asked before. When did you start to put on weight?She thought about the question. When she was 11 years old, she said. So he asked: “Was there anything else that happened in your life when you were 11?” “Well, she replied ― that was when my grandfather began to rape me.”

Felitti spoke to all 183 people in the program and he found 55 percent had been sexually abused. It turned out many of these women had been making themselves obese for an unconscious reason: to protect themselves from the attention of men, who they believed would hurt them. Felitti had an insight: “What we had perceived as the problem ― major obesity ― was in fact, very frequently, the solution to problems that the rest of us knew nothing about.”

The results were clear: “Childhood trauma caused the risk of adult depression to explode. If you had seven categories of the traumatic event as a child, you were 3,100 percent more likely to attempt to commit suicide as an adult, and more than 4,000 percent more likely to be an injecting drug user.”

In the article, Hari reveals that he had suffered severe cruelty from an adult as a child and explores his theories on why so many people who experience violence in childhood feel the same way and why it often leads them to self-destructive behaviour.

So now I have decided that I am going to talk to both my doctor and psychologist and deal with something that I should have dealt with years ago. I have spent 52 years ignoring all the nasty behaviour because I thought that it was what I deserved and that I was to blame for the negative treatment. Now I know that the adults were irresponsible and neglected me in the worse way and I will have to do what I have done for most of my life  – fix the problem and instead of looking after the others, fix me up so I can then go back out there and do what I do best – look after those who get abused!

Books are what have been my single saviour, the one thing that keeps me going no matter what else has happened to me! Fact or Fantasy fill in my voids and make me feel real and complete and as if I have no reason for others to not like me.

Brutality: Savagery: Inhumanity: Cruelty: Hatred…We need to assassinate them from society!

A cheerful and happy Tuesday to you. I am still not 100 percent, and I have been sorting more of my old school samples for my students and it does always get my soul working, I hate social injustices. I honestly believe that ALL men are created as equal. So I am going to play around with a piece completer with my year 11 history students in 2006. 

My students had rather heated discussions with me laying out their ideas. I have always had a rather solid set for the validity of Hate Crime Laws. Never one to discard any viewpoint I had a look at some of the information they had used and found myself looking into the issue further. So I have decided to make it into the unit for the term and see how the students present their views, and as we all believed in equality, I also did a paper following the same rules and my students marking it. Yes, I really do believe that my students had the right to grade me as I graded them. If you are interested I got 76% which was in the middle of the range. 
In many countries the laws in place, state that a person can be charged with committing a hate crime if it is deemed that the crime was as a result of hatred.  I know that we have fought long and hard to gain the equality and justice we have with our legal systems today. Is this what is adding to the ever-increasing incidences of bullying in our communities? Are our laws actually inflaming the problems? Now I did warn you at the start to not yell at me, so just let me walk you through this reasoning.  
A couple of days ago I talked about Rosa Parks and how her actions highlighted the racial problems in the US of A. This led to gradual change whereby every American is afforded the same rights and privileges’ of citizenship. This was a huge step in the right direction. African Americans became more equal than they were but what about the other ethnic groups in America. Native Americans, Jews, Muslims, Hispanic to name just a few, did they get included in this shift in thinking? What of those with different ideologies, religions or sexual orientations? Did this change the thinking to only include those, that at that time, empowered themselves to change their destiny?

To commit a crime against a man because his skin is a different colour then it is deemed as a hate crime. To commit a crime based on the sexual orientation and/or gender identity can be considered a hate crime.  And this is as it should be! No enlightened society should ever tolerate a crime that is committed simply because a person is not like you! (My class pointed out to me that most crime is based on hatred. Stop and let us think about that for a moment or two. )
In Australia, your typical models of a hate crime would comprise the fire-bombing of a synagogue or a mosque or gay-bashings but not a rape, even if it can be identified that hatred was the foundation for the rape. I could find plenty of reports that looked at the level of violence and hate crimes against minority groups (racist violence, homophobic violence in the school system, violence against women with disabilities, violence against lesbians and gay men) but I could not find any figures that show how these reports and studies actually impact in a real way to protect these citizens. 
While the laws in America vary from State to State the FBI does actually have data that is easy to find and understand The FBI states that for 2011, that 20.8 % of incidents were motivated by a sexual orientation bias, while 19.8% were motivated by a religious bias. Racial bias incidents encompass the highest percentage of reported hate crimes. There were 6,216 single-bias incidents of which 46.9 % were motivated by a racial bias.
What my researching today showed was that no matter which first world country I Googled they all have some form of law to cover a crime committed by hatred. Very noble! But what of the other crimes? 
  • A gay boy bullied at school takes his own life because of the taunts about his life choices it is treated as a crime of hate. 
  • A computer geek with acne and two left feet takes his own life because of the taunts he has had to endure since grade school is a tragic event.
  • A girl wearing a burqa is bashed up because of her faith, this is a hate crime.
  • A girl attacked because she is in the wrong neighbourhood is just an assault.
  • The local police station is bombed because a couple of thugs want revenge for perceived wrongs, it is just a bombing.
  • The local mosque is firebombed it is a hate crime. 
  • A ‘white’ man is dragged from his vehicle and beaten into a coma by any minority group it is assault.
  • A ‘black’ man is pulled from his car by a group of angry whites and beaten into a coma it is a hate crime.  
While the about list are just examples I have based them in similar crimes that I have found in newspapers as I researched this topic.  Can we see a pattern here? Crime is crime and the colour of your skin; the God you believe in; your gender; your impairment or your sexual orientation should not be allowed to be the focal point. You have been savaged by a bully and that is the behaviour society should be addressing. 
While we divide up the crimes into categories of ‘not so bad’, ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ based on the race, religion, creed, gender or sexual orientation of the victims, as a society we are permitting BULLIES to terrorise us! Each crime should be judged as it is presented in court, and not left up to the media to add prejudices to whatever crime they feel will enhancement their rating that week. 
As a society, we should refuse to accept any violent behaviour, be it in the home, workplace, shopping centre, school or in the street. We should petition our government’s to change the laws so that those who are found guilty of a violent crime are punished accordingly. This is the way to ensure that justice is serviced and not just seen to be served.  We should demand that the reports and studies are actually converted into authentic laws that work to protect those who are been branded and brutalised by thugs.
In Australia, we have our laws for discrimination under review. Please read these and stay up-to-date on this debate. It is only after these ridiculous bills are passed via parliament and the consequences ripple out, that the citizens of this nation get up in arms. Sorry, it is too late then to get vocal. 
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a world that has not hate?  Visit a daycare centre or early primary school, you will not see any sight of hatred, it is something we teach our young.

As I close I will leave you to ponder this! I found a couple of sites where women had been raped as a punishment for their sexual preference but I could not find a single study or report where this was looked at! It is considered as neither a crime nor a hate crime? I did not include it in my essay due to the age of the students.

When is it tomorrow?

Good evening to all and thank you for dropping by for a read. I hope that your day has been good and treated you with kindness. I have not been too good so today will be a small blog as I am very tired and quite achy. I just popped in as I missed yesterday and I do not like breaking my oath that I would do this daily as part of my return to good health.

I have good some lovey veggies and red lentils for a fresh soup tomorrow, and I did get an A3 art block so now I just need to get the paints – still have not decided if I want oils or acrylics yet. I made a wonderful fresh mango smoothie for dinner tonight and it was delightful. Other than that I really have not done much. tomorrow I am going to organise my room as I plan to look at set up so sort of online tutoring business for History and English. 

Well, that is it for me for tonight. My head has stopped working, my eyes cannot really see the screen, much less the words, my headache is moving up a couple levels on the pain scale and I am feeling a little nauseated. 

Thank you for dropping by as I appreciate the following very much, and I hope that your day is great.

The world you create for yourself?


Carpe diem

Hello on this beautiful Saturday. I hope it is treating you with kindness and you are finding the relaxation and enjoyment that you need. I promise that I am not going to write a major blog tonight but just a short insight into more of the reason I love my writing friend. 

Carpe diem – the enjoyment of the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future.  In 1989 I went to the cinema to see Robin Williams in the “Dead Poets Society”, where he plays the maverick English teacher John Keating who inspire a class of male students to seize the day and follow their dreams as unique individuals of value. The film had a great influence on me and Williams more so as he was known to suffer from depression. My thinking was if he can do what he does, then why do I have to settle for just being normal. I write for pleasure, relaxation and because I believe that I have a story to tell. Mainly I write for me, and yes it would be divine to a prosperous novelist, but not at the cost of a pleasure I have that services my sanity. At the moment it is all that is keeping my sanity as it should be – well sort off!

Until June last I had never viewed life as being short and too often I talk to people who do not have time to ‘smell the roses’. Even after I was told I had Fibro, I still felt distressed by this as you only get the one shot, why waste it trying to be ‘successful’ but miserable as a person. If you are not content or doing things that make you happy then take a long hard look at your life choices and modify what does not make you happy.

Will it work? I do not know, I do not have a crystal ball but I can state that once I feel happier within myself, I will be much closer to being me again.  I have read so many books that cover this as a theme,  we all read them (or watch the movie) and promise to change my own life but that is it. My New Year’s Resolution for 2018 was to take control and live the life I promised myself when I graduated from High School in the 1970s.

It is not easy, I am in pain, I feel sorry for myself, and I feel as if no-one cares. This blog is part of my ‘seize the moment’, I have created a blueprint, I have a list of achievements I want to do. It is really remarkable when you look at what you want to achieve and, then match it to what you actually do. I have achieved much more than most in my age bracket, I have helped change history and now I am feeling sorry for myself…not good!!! 

Thank you for taking your valuable time to read my words. Make your plan, add your comments. If you like what I have written then tell your friends. If you don’t like it use the comment box and let me know


.‘Carpe diem’  for the future is unforeseen.

To Battle or Not!

A happy hello and hoping that your day has been gentle with you! My blog today is going to be as my doctor directed and that is to try to get what is disturbing me the most out of my system. I actually find this a difficult request as the biggest problem I am having is that the medical profession seems to have problems working out what my conditions are. The only thing that they have agreed on is that YES I am not well. I also have a delightful shoe box filled with noted and exercise pads that have been added to since I first got ill, which I will be using to put this together.

I’ve been in ‘no man’s land’ for the past seven years. I have metamorphosed from an able-bodied mother, teacher, friend, and pro-active female to an inept shadow of my former self. My journey into no-man’s land began so surreptitiously, I was not even aware that my life was about to spiral into the unrecognisable. At first, it was put down to a virus I had contracted, but as the weeks progressed into months the medical profession started looking for a more sinister cause. I have had bipolar for the better part of my life, so naturally, this was the initial diagnosis, and a change of meds was the order of the day. Then blood test results started to come back, and my results all leaned toward an auto-immune disease. I had little idea of what this would mean long term, but when MS was mentioned, and I was told I would need to leave the tiny community I taught at in the idyllic Far North of Queensland, I knew that it was a matter for concern.

I have had ups and downs throughout my life, and overcome all that had been thrown into my path. I survived childhood abuse, an abusive marriage, the shame of raising children as a single parent, and the general hurdles that life throws at you from time to time. I have always been a ‘glass half full’ type person with my attitude to life but this obstacle has really tested my tenacity.

It has now been over seven years since I have been without pain, and for over four of those years I didn’t know what was causing it. I had no idea that the medical profession had that many tests available…but at least it does explain why we have to wait so long! I think the hardest part of it all is the fact that what I have is not visible, so the automatic assumption is that I am just overweight, lazy, do not want to work, or simply putting it on because I want sympathy. Dealing with the medical profession is just as problematic as there is a clear division between those who believe my illness is real, and those who see it as a cop-out.  Throughout the investigative phase, I certainly saw suicide as a very real option but I had no-one I could trust with my children (both still in their teens) and I did know that I had their unconditional support and love of the two them.  I endured a plethora of doctor’s appointments, medical tests, including X-Rays, MRIs, blood work, and of course visits to the psychologist (just in case I was imagining it all). As the tests all came back ‘normal’, I too began to feel that I was imagining it all, and my depression became far more entrenched, which in turn made my other symptoms far worse. In tears and totally frustrated with my inability to deal with anything, I explained to yet another doctor that there was nothing normal about this, and as a woman who had endured all that life had tossed at me, not having an answer for this constant pain, was not acceptable. This wonderful woman doctor then referred me to a specialist, a rheumatologist, who in turn ordered an assortment of tests. I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and since I had never heard of it he explained that it was an autoimmune disease that whilst not life-threatening, like MS, it was certainly life debilitating. There is no specific test for Fibromyalgia, and the rheumatologist had eliminated all else before he made this diagnosis. I was relieved to finally be able to identify my illness but it was not the solution to the problem I had hoped for.  

I have a chronic illness with no cure, which is challenging to treat, is very misconstrued, and as it is not visible to the general public, generally assigned to ‘me being too lazy, fat, or just not being bothered to do anything.’

There are too many people (medical profession included) that don’t understand what Fibromyalgia is or don’t believe it exists, that it is all in your head. As with any illness, there is a selection of celebrities who voice how it affects them, and the general public makes all the appropriate sympathetic platitudes, but this compassionate understanding does not extend to their neighbour, friend or work colleague.  So if you are one of these people, take a few moments to finish reading and I will share with you what it is like to live day in and day out with this invisible illness, for which there no cure.

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain condition, and regrettably, for me, it means that I’m not going to ‘feel better any time soon’. I do not feel any one type of pain. Some days I feel throbbing pain throughout my entire body, sometimes I feel shooting pains in various parts of my body, and other times my body feels as if it is on fire. This pain radiates from my joints, muscles, and nerves. Doctors tell people with Fibromyalgia that these are ‘tender points’, which in simple English means the areas of the body that are the most sensitive and painful. The worst ones for me are my knees, back, elbows, neck and shoulder blades. Pain relief tablets have little to no impact on this pain.  I also have what is called ‘flare-ups’, and this refers to the periods of time when the pain is at its highest, and it is absolutely excruciating. During these phases literally, everything hurts, even my skin, there is no relief, no way to stop the ache. Flare-ups can last for a day or several days and are generally triggered by stress, overexertion, or hormonal changes. Whilst I am in this stage, suicide becomes a viable option, anything that will stop the hurt, and I am not a weak person. The flare-ups disappear as quickly as they come on, and I often find myself questioning if it is really just in my head. Then I have the days which are ‘tolerable’, and the pain is not as severe, I can go for a walk, do some shopping, wash my clothes (but have to remember not to do too much as I will end up in a ‘flare-up’ again), however the pain never goes away. 

As I stated earlier I have bipolar, so I have always had fluctuations in my moods from extreme highs to depressive lows, but control over my moods has been balanced by medication. If that was not enough of a challenge within itself, the other symptoms of Fibromyalgia are fatigue, difficulty sleeping, anxiety and migraines, all of which I have to deal with as well. So I can manage some of my symptoms with medication, and when (on my ‘good’ days) I remember to not overexerting myself, I can give the impression of a ‘normal, healthy fifty-year-old woman, but this often compounds the problem, for, during the other days, people judge me to be lazy, useless, uncaring, and overweight. Although there is new evidence that the negative behaviour I displayed during my earlier teen years could have been Fibro.

Like any chronic condition, respective individual’s experiences will vary with pain levels, response to medication, preferred treatment, as well as the symptoms they experience.  As I have slowly adjusted to my condition I think the most difficult component separate to the actual medical impact has been the social perception. It is hard for people to accept as true that I am in chronic pain. I am 55 years old now and I ‘look okay’, but if I ask for a seat on public transport, I will get the ‘horrid stares’ and ‘hurtful retorts’ about losing weight. Friends stopping asking you out, and take it that you just do not want to socialise with them because you have not been able to get out of bed (much less the house) for the last couple of outings.  Not every debilitating condition calls for a cane, a wheelchair or is visible to the naked eye. As a society, we are slowly accepting that millions of people suffer from depression, schizophrenia, bi-polar, OCD, (just to name a few), and anxiety. These are real illnesses, that as little as 15 years ago were viewed as ‘excuses’ for negative or anti-social behaviour, but as the medical profession discovers more of the way the human mind works, so too society is learning that not all conditions can be seen.  So I ask “just because you cannot see Fibromyalgia does this mean that it does not exist?”  

I am not working at the moment, not because I am lazy but rather due to the fact that I am a teacher, and I refuse to risk having a ‘bad’ day at school.  If you are doing the job properly, teaching is mentally stressful, which does impact on the frequency of my ‘flare-ups’. I worry on the days when the pain is so bad, and I know I can’t last the day, and I am left with no choice but to go home due to the level of pain, that I am being a negative role model for my students. This in turns leaves me feeling guilty, which again, causes my condition to become more pronounced.  I have two other fields in this seven-year period and have ended with the same result. Six months working and my illness puts me back out of the workforce. Generally, it is a struggle every single day to do the simplest of task and is getting harder and harder as people make their views obvious.

Fibromyalgia has most undeniably twisted my life around. People my age get home from work, cook dinner, go out, run errands, do some cleaning, visit the children or grandchildren. I no longer have a life as I am in severe pain and my body simply does the ‘going out of business’ thing, without warning. I spend a large percentage of my life resting in bed, trying in vain to find a position that is comfortable. I often do not eat dinner because the pain and exhaustion have taken away my appetite. Daily tasks such as shopping, cooking, or dishes, are difficult to manage. Taking a shower feels as if I have run a marathon, and depletes me so much, that I have to sit down until I have regained enough energy to toss my nightie over my head. Regular household chores like laundry, sweeping, and making the bed are draining. Whilst I have never been a big fan of shopping, it is now a task I try to avoid at all costs. Cooking (once my too relax task) does not happen too much anymore and generally only because I have to eat. As for a social life, it is non-existent. I have family and friends but I don’t see any more as I feel that I am an embarrassment or worse they think I am a hypochondriac. I no longer go out on special occasions.

I have gone from a person who embraced all life had to throw at me and was always on the lookout for the next adventure. This is not how I envisioned my life, I’d much rather be having fun than be stuck in bed, interacting with people, rather than them glancing at me with cold disapproval, and doing what I once took as normal.

One should really have a support system when you live with chronic pain. I have a very small circle, but consider myself fortunate, as these are people that have been there through the very worst and best. My adult children (kids were still teenagers when I first got ill and have been there every step of the way to support me), who took the time to learn about my condition, and will help when I ask. My best mate has been very supportive as well, but that’s nothing new. She’s been there for me from the moment we meet at trade school and I really do not know what I would do without her humour and unconditional support. My kid sister as she can relate to me due to the fact that she has battled with cancer throughout her life, so it helps to talk to someone who truly understands. My support network is only ever as far away as a phone call, and for this, I am so grateful.

I hope that I have not bored you sharing my story, it is what my doctor is looking for. I have a shoe box of loose notes I wrote this from so you are getting an insight from the beginning. I am very surprised how little the depression has changed. I really think it is the fact that I can no longer do what I want to do.  It will help raise awareness of this little-known illness, and the major effect it has on one’s life. I hope that those who present with Fibro will be believed by their family, friends, associates and the medical profession. It is only with education, research and those of us who have this syndrome sharing our story, will we gain the acceptance now afforded depression, OCD etc. This was not easy to write as I have not just unlocked parts of my life, I now know that the doctors really do not know how to fix this up. If my life has only taught me one thing, it is that keeping things hidden does not solve the problems, it makes them worse and by bringing matters into the light, we can work toward a solution.   

Thank you for reading to the end and I hope that you Weekend is special.


Real ownership comes when I claim my life!

A delightful hello to my loyal readership I sincerely hope that your day has been kind to you, and given you all you wanted. I have had one of this ‘depressive person’ days. Laying in bed, sleeping and ocassionly trying to work out why I should go on. 

I have my various mental health teams giving me different ways to heal myself even though this is a problem, a health matter I have coped with since I was seven, and generally managed to lead a near ‘normal’ life, without the dramas I am having now. So I need to ask myself why!

I think my biggest problem is the horrid terror near death experience in June last year The medical teams (I have three diferent ones working on the different issues) do not know what is going on, where or what the problem is, so the bottom line is no one knows what needs to be fixed or how. I do not care who you are or how strong you are this would be impossible to deal with and keep your mental heallth where it should be.

I have those wonderful days I can do anything I need and want to do, then I have the ones that make me feel as if I have been put though a mincer backwards. This take my freedom from me as I can not know on what days I can plan to do things. Well I have been offered this tutoring job and after much soul searching I have decided that I am going to go for the interview and see how it goes.

I am going to visit a naturopath (I am a hippie at heart) as I believe that listening to the body/mind can health the body health far faster and better than Western doctors. I am going to start doing does daily personal incarnations to see if that can make a difference, I have mates that swear by them.

I just know that I have had enough of listening to medicial people that keep telling me different matters, different ways to deal with it and all I end up it loosing days, feeling worse about myself and wantng to end it all. I am going to take this back into my own hands and see if I can aleast gain some of me back!

Again thank you for reading my words, I very much appreciate it. I hope that your day is wonderful and that everything you do is blessed.


I really think that this is too much my problem. More worry about what others think, say and advise, instead of just going with the flow.

I am me…just me!


A delightful hello to all and I hope that your day has been generous with you. I have  had one of those days were I have had ‘professsional trained’ people telling me that the information I have recieved earlier is invaled. That it is simply a matter on getting some weight off and I should be okay. Of course the fact that I have had an issue maintianing the same weight for my life did not entry into the discustion, this is just the problem.

I have decided that I am going to spent the rest of this week sorting out what I started earlier by organising my life, health , mental and general anxiety issues, then go to my doctor and have a proper discussion with her and see what we can do to get som prpoer work done to fix these medicals issues. I am not am idiot, I am not an educationed person who simply wants to opt out of work, I do generally need a medical peofessional to take me as a serious person, not an overweight person who does not want to continue with anything any more.

That is all I have for tonight as I am feeling a little annoyed and simplly needed to get it out of my system. I need to work out how I can best deal with this so that I can return to a healthier person.

Thank you for reading this. I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Beautiful days!

Hello to all and I hope that your day has been beautiful to you. I have had a quiet day here as there has been little to do and my head has decided to give me a little ache down the left-hand side so it has been a little bed rest. 

I have been downing a little planning and organising my books so that I can get it together for my day with my doctor and psychologist to review and either approve or fix up on Wednesday. I have also listed my teaching skills for the tutoring job for the phone call tomorrow. I have also contacted two gyms to set up visits to see if they can organise what I need.

I am not certain just how much I will be able to do each week at the moment but I figure that if I start out small and keep track (and may sure that it is from everything I do from the start of the day to going back to bed) then I will know just how much I am improving.  It must make sure that I focus each day. I really did not feel as if I had the energy to move today but I did make myself do a few small tasks, I am now going to take my painkillers so I can sleep and that way I know I will get a sound sleep so I wake feeling a little better. 

Thank you for being with me and I hope that you have had a great day.

Health of Spirit Mind and Body Means Mindfulness
Getting the Spirit, Mind, and Body to balance so that you can function as the person that makes you happy and content.


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