I am going to be BRAVE!

137107118037A wonderful hello to all and I hope that your day/evening has been kind to you. I have had a busy day as I had to go to the job network centre so that they can prepare me for the workforce. I had a little internal giggle as the young person looking after me could easily be my child. He covered all the possible jobs I could put in for – I had to stop him when we got to retail, as I most certainly do not have the personality to cope with this sort of job. Please do not get me wrong I admire retailer staff greatly and I am always very polite and cheerful as I know the garbage that they are subjected to, and this is why I could not do it – I would end up hitting a customer with their bag of goodies.

I did remind him that I am still under serious medical care who do not want me returned to the workforce until they give me a full clearance as they may decide that I cannot be capable to work again, at which time my case worker told me that all it takes is a positive attitude…I had to honestly bite my tongue to stop the real full-on laughter. I did not give him any flak as he is just doing his job as he was trained to do it but honestly, you think that the government would give these younger people a better training so that they can handle unemployed better. 

I honestly do feel sorry for the younger ones coming through, we learned via on the job training and now it is all via extern away from the actual workplace, then just dropped in and ‘good luck with that’. My skills on the computers are not brilliant (I know how to turn it on and off) but if I am in a classroom with my students and I have one of my students ask a question I can not answer there will always be a fellow student who can, so we share knowledge. It is an old technique that we are losing which is a shame.

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I like it when I have my full days out even when it means I am bedridden the next day, I get to watch people and study them. I am not one to sit in judgment of anyone but the writer in me loves to see the difference in how a person acts given the same set of circumstances. It is one of the best ways I have taken my mind from the pain. 

I look back over my life and what I have hidden in the closet, covered up by those skills I have with my mind to create a tale where it is not me but a character. I now think I have to agree with my doctor and I need to ask for PROPER care to give the demons, monsters, and evils their marching orders. I will then be in a place where I can recreate the ME I want to be. No, I do not know what that is yet because I have always had to share my mind with other tenants so it will be a challenge, but it is far better than what I am doing at the moment…one week in care, the therapist for a couple of weeks then repeat.

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So at the end of it all, I have decided to stop planning games, face up to the truths that have been with me for a least nine months (epilepsy, stroke and not sure what else), and from seventeen years old, depression, anxiety, and most likely major issues from childhood abuse.  It is only be admitting it is there can I get rid of it and learn to live a life I want to.

I am not too sure how the English are on this one as I have had a full day and I find it better for me if I can get it out whilst it is in my head. If I go back to make sure that the English are correct I begin to fix up mistakes and lose what is in my head. Enjoy your tomorrow xx

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