A wonderful hello to you and I hope your week has started well. I have pretty much ignored the world whilst looking for a room to rent in a house somewhere in my area, as the kids have pretty much decided that we will go to the mainland at the end of the lease. It is better for them, and certainly, for me, the clinics, hospital, and doctors etc are certainly closer, and I can find support groups that can help me retrain my mind and body to get it to where I feel in a place that I can control.
I have spent much time since my funny (really odd that we call something that left me in ICU for 8/9 days ‘funny’) turn trying to get my head around where I get to go. I have never been good with ‘grown-ups’ (left over from the years of torment as a child) which limits my options to start with, I relate best to the future of this nation and our young people’s ability to deal with all that is out there, particularly those that have been damaged by adults and the VERY messed up system. Some for reasons that we can see but so many keep it hidden as they are taught that it is their fault
I really enjoy interacting with our young people and I had a talent for getting my youth to stand up for themselves and create a person they what to be. I was excellent in the classroom (generally the biggest fool in the room) I truly believe that learning should be fun, and I work very hard to make sure that every single young person I had enjoyed the lessons. It breaks my heart as the medical profession do not think that I will end up with a clearance to go back to teach. I think youth work more of a risk for work as often the youth are more damaged, so do not need someone who needs more assistance than them in charge of caring for them. I might try to write a novel, something I can work on for my good days and something I can ignore when I am off.
I think with the move to the mainland and the kids cutting me lose may end up being a good decision, even though it really scares me. I still have trouble regarding the person I was before June. I need to find some group that can help me centre on the problems that the demons bring with them and what is needed to make them disappear. Independence has always been so important to me and that whole saying things just to make one think it is easy or okay has never worked with me. I have always had my young people work it out, act on it if it did not work then start again. Nothing to worry about as not a single person has ever been born perfect.
I do know that I have worked out that I want to be at peace with myself, free from the nasty side of nature, those who think it is their right to undermine those who do not share their passions. I want to regain as much of my good health as possible (something I will never take for granted again). I want to be that 60/70s flower power hippie child I had down as my perfect job in school (Sr Jude gave me four stations of the cross for being disrespectful to God). I simply wish to share what I have as natural skills with those who need them My head just keeps going, the demons, the insecurity, the self-hate, the moves between suicide or not, trying to organise what I still have as skills, what I have for a personality or simply what I do each day and how that has helped me.
Thank you for your time and again I wish you a blessed Tuesday