Good Evening to all and I sincerely hope that your weekend has been wonderful for you including your friends and family. I do know that one of my fellow blogs went to a family wedding so that should have been fun. I have not really done much for the first two days of our three day weekend, some of that was because we had a real estate agent (not the one we lease though) call in to view the property and did not get the notice until an hour before the inspection. We did not have to really do too much to clear up but it was not to our standard – dishes in the drying rack, toilet bowl quick oil and shower quick wipe over and then making sure that the house smelled good.
We have a public holiday on Monday, then Tuesday we will be doing a major clear up as we do have a property inspection from the real estate. and Wednesday I will be heading into town to see my job network agent, GP, Centrelink and psychologist, then I will be heading back home exhausted. I am looking forward to the visit with my GP as I can finally find out what is wrong with me and see if I can get some more time in the mental health unit as I am just holding on.
I always have had the ability to deal with just about anything that life tossed my way, but now I am lucky to get through a day without having some sort of frightening meltdowns, I have waves of odd smells with nausea, shaking fits all over my body, trouble with my vision, and to my shame I have major problems with my English – written, reading and I would say that I have a vocabulary equal to maybe a 20-year-old, and for me that is the worst possible thing.
I really do not like myself at the moment as I have no control over anything in my life. I am in a great gully that I have created, and no knowledge as to how I will get out of it. I can see no way of me being able to get back into the workforce as I do not have enough memory to really hold down a job. I am way to young to pension me out and I honestly not ready to retire.
What is the scary thing about all of this is that I honestly know I have never hurt anyone, as a victim of childhood sexual, physical and mental abuse, then marrying a man who continued with what my parents, teachers, priest and nuns practised throughout the sixties and seventies, I truly can not hurt anyone else. I made the choice to help others through what I had to survive on my own. I know I am being punished for some reason but I truly can not work out what it is, so I have no way to fix it. I do need help but as I spent most of my life being the helper I cannot even find a starting point.
I know that I must fix myself so I can get back to where I should be, but right now the doctors have told me I cannot overdo it because they are not certain how serious my condition is. My GP has agreed with the specialists. The lease on the house the kid’s rent is almost up and I am worried about us getting a place on the mainland (just one of those mental health things where everyone is out to get me) and I am most certainly in the middle of a full-blown depressive episode, and truly do not know what to do.
I am having HUGE problems being with the kid’s as I should not be bothering them whilst they are trying to make a life for themselves. I certainly helped my Mother but this was well into my 40s and my kids got dragged around with that…move away from their friends of 10 + years and moved to a country town side that was smaller than the neighbour we lived in. In my 20s I was travelling around Australia doing that whole backpacking thing and enjoying it all…not having to check in with Mum to see what she is doing before I stayed away from the house.
I am depressed, upset, heartbroken, confused, anxious and really feeling as if I am being punished (please do not laugh) because I am not nice enough to have someone who loves me more than anyone else in the world. That special person who would come home and make sure that all had gone well in my day and if not listen to my problems – laugh with me, hand me tissues when I cry and help me save the world at whatever protest I am tied up with, and in return allow me to do that for him. Of course, I would never share this with any of the family as they think I am incapable of being loved and even more likely to find someone to love. But one step at a time and that is getting the demons packed up and out of town.
I thank you very much for reading my blog tonight as I am in a very dark cave at the movement and I get some comfort from those who truly know what it is like. Sweet dreams and I hope that the start of your week is great.