Good Evening to you and I hope that the last day of the working week has been kind to you. I have basically spent my day thinking about why my life has always been a struggle. This is not a ‘feel sorry for me thing’ but rather why after I give so much to others when things go pear shape, I am left struggling to regain some form of control and re-organise my life.
I have found this wonderful internet page (the connection is at the bottom of this blog) that really breaks it down whilst given you ways to take control. Since I had the ‘turn’ and spent eight days in a coma without anyone knowing why I have really looked back over my life to see if I have done anything that could account for my brain being that bad. Yes, I did smoke pot but the number of joints can be counted on one hand. I was a heavy drinker but quit and have not had a drink since the 20th of December 1989. I have not had what anyone could call bad habits since. I am overweight but not the worst I have been and I am having issues with it. I do not smoke tailor made ciggies. I do try to eat well but since that turn, I do not always manage to keep it down. I found this list and I think it is really summing up my life at the moment. I am not afraid of anything I am scared of what will happen to me. It is a little fighting when the doctors can not give you any sort of answer.
- You’re not scared of the dark. You’re scared of what’s in it.
- You’re not afraid of heights. You’re afraid of falling.
- You’re not afraid of the people around you. You’re just afraid of rejection.
- You’re not afraid to love. You’re just afraid of not being loved back.
- You’re not afraid to let go. You’re just afraid to accept the reality that she’s gone.
- You’re not afraid to try again. You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.
So here I am at 56 years old with many of the – skills I have had for 2/3rds of my life and I am struggling to recall. I am a burden to my adult children who should be living their own life and not babysitting their mother. All I am getting from my family is “paying the price for a misspent youth” but this is wrong as most of the naughtier things we did were just that because our deeply conservative Catholic parents would work themselves into such a real tizzy over our total disregard for the society – that was taking part in the demonstrations against the government in power. I have always been the one to help out others who needed it but now I can not find any who is prepared to return the favour.
I really do want to return to work but am so scared because I do not know what brought on the coma, I remember nothing of it until I woke up in the hospital 9 days later, with the doctors not being able to give an answer. They did try to say that it was drug related but I very quickly explained that it could not be possible. So here I am 9 months down the track and the doctors have found more issues but no answer to the original problem. I am scared of dying but then the depression and anxiety step in and it feels like a really good answer. I simply know that at my age I should not be caught up in this nightmare. I have no answer and those that have trained for this should be helping and I feel as if I am just in the too hard basket.
Thank you for giving up your time to read my blog. I hope that
you have a perfect week-end.