Your personal connection with life.

Good Evening to you and I hope that the last day of the working week has been kind to you. I have basically spent my day thinking about why my life has always been a struggle. This is not a ‘feel sorry for me thing’ but rather why after I give so much to others when things go pear shape, I am left struggling to regain some form of control and re-organise my life. 

I have found this wonderful internet page (the connection is at the bottom of this blog) that really breaks it down whilst given you ways to take control.  Since I had the ‘turn’ and spent eight days in a coma without anyone knowing why I have really looked back over my life to see if I have done anything that could account for my brain being that bad. Yes, I did smoke pot but the number of joints can be counted on one hand. I was a heavy drinker but quit and have not had a drink since the 20th of December 1989. I have not had what anyone could call bad habits since. I am overweight but not the worst I have been and I am having issues with it. I do not smoke tailor made ciggies. I do try to eat well but since that turn, I do not always manage to keep it down. I found this list and I think it is really summing up my life at the moment. I am not afraid of anything I am scared of what will happen to me. It is a little fighting when the doctors can not give you any sort of answer.images

  1. You’re not scared of the dark. You’re scared of what’s in it.
  2. You’re not afraid of heights. You’re afraid of falling.
  3. You’re not afraid of the people around you. You’re just afraid of rejection.
  4. You’re not afraid to love. You’re just afraid of not being loved back.
  5. You’re not afraid to let go. You’re just afraid to accept the reality that she’s gone.
  6. You’re not afraid to try again. You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

So here I am at 56 years old with many of the  – skills I have had for 2/3rds of my life and I am struggling to recall. I am a burden to my adult children who should be living their own life and not babysitting their mother. All I am getting from my family is “paying the price for a misspent youth”  but this is wrong as most of the naughtier things we did were just that because our deeply conservative Catholic parents would work themselves into such a real tizzy over our total disregard for the society – that was taking part in the demonstrations against the government in power. I have always been the one to help out others who needed it but now I can not find any who is prepared to return the favour. 

I really do want to return to work but am so scared because I do not know what brought on the coma, I remember nothing of it until I woke up in the hospital 9 days later, with the doctors not being able to give an answer. They did try to say that it was drug related but I very quickly explained that it could not be possible. So here I am 9 months down the track and the doctors have found more issues but no answer to the original problem. I am scared of dying but then the depression and anxiety step in and it feels like a really good answer. I simply know that at my age I should not be caught up in this nightmare. I have no answer and those that have trained for this should be helping and I feel as if I am just in the too hard basket.


Thank you for giving up your time to read my blog. I hope that

you have a perfect week-end.



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