cOnFuSiOn!

Good Evening for tonight and I hope that your day has treated you with enjoyment and good fortune. Pre-warning again, just to let you know that this blog is going to be about me and some issues I am having, problems trying to get straight in my head. For those of you that join me on a regular basis, will know  I do this often as it is a lifelong method I have for gaining some sort of order for me. I have always been able to work issues out by reading the written word, and my words simply flow from the head to the keyboard.

that-momemt-when-you-realizeyour-not-needed-anymore

I am that “NOT NEEDED” basket but no one is game enough to tell me that that is the way I am viewed. I went to the job agency today even though my doctors have me listed as unable to work until they can establish exactly what is wrong with me. It could be as simple as I have had a mild stroke to something as complex as me having major brain, heart or head issues. 

The lady that the job network who has been assigned as my case manager is a nice lady and I really can not find any problems with her, but the system is really a mess. My medical certificates (from three different doctors – one GP; two specialists) are not good enough to cover me from job searching. I am still meant to go looking for six jobs a week. This is a problem as my medical team have told me that I must take it easy until they can work out what it is. The really silly part of this is as a teacher I only have to get myself listed with one of the agency and I will pick up the classroom work easy.

This really annoys me I have worked since I was thirteen, undertaken a male trade (first female to do it), finished two degrees at University whilst raising two children, silly jobs like fruit picking, bar work etc after I qualified in my trade and I was backpacking around Australia. When I injured my spine (disc L4/5) work injury and the printing industry could no longer employ me I went to university so I could have ongoing work. At a guess, I would say I have worked for about 30 years, and now I am being made to feel as if I am in the useless basket. I have never been one to not sit around doing nothing – my parents made it VERY clear to me that anyone who respected themself , their neighbour, town and country DID NOT lazy about.

One of the good things to come out off today’s torture was that I now know for certain that some of my ‘health’ problems are certainly based on how upset or scared I get. Going to the job agency felt like being at home when I was a kid and something was wrong and I knew that the belting was coming, or most of my life where I have been made to feel as if I am beneath everyone else.  I wish I could break out of this horrid habit and get me to believe in my ability to achieve what I start. If I had another person come up to me and shared these skills with me I would be so impressed but I just can not get that into my head or heart. I honestly see myself as a waste of space, a disappoint and a burden, it is not easy to retrain your brain to forget the negative words you received about who you are as a child.

I really am not very sure what I am going to do with this one. I am technically homeless with an array of medical issues that the health profession are having problems sorting out, I am jobless with health that will not permit me to return to a job at all. I have no self-confidence at all and all that work I have done over the years to create an image of a person who knows exactly who she is, what she wants, and where she is going, has lost any ability I had to maintain that persona.

I am not sure that this has to help me much, I think I will print it out and make adjustment notes as I did at University when something was too confusing, but I have it all listed whilst it is still fresh in my head.

I thank you very much for reading down this far. Please feel free to leave any ideas or feedback you have. I sincerely hope that your tomorrow is an excellent day for you.

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I like this one and think that it is where I want to head to, the only problem is I do not know how.

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