Good evening and I hope that your day/evening has been wonderful. It is really good for me to be back at the computer keyboard, as I had a really bad couple of days with the demons screeching and playing their horrid games inside my head.
I had been going along so well and making progress in finding my place in the big wide world again, then I get a call from the job seekers agency I am with. The young lady who was dealing with me told me that I had to attend the office on Monday so I could start looking for work. I really did try to explain that they had to be some error as I am still waiting for the testing results for the chest/lung infection that had me in the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I tried to fill her in on the details about the stroke/epilepsy and the ongoing testing that I am listed for with the hospitals.
Her response was that I had to make myself available or I would lose my Centrelink payments and that she could see no real reason I can not find a proper job. So, of course, everything folded in on me again. I have worked so hard to get to where am looking for new training programmes that will allow for me to work with my disabilities. What has been the most off-putting for me is the way I have reacted. I have lost all that confidence and progress I have made. I am hearing aggressive voices around me, not being able to stop myself from shaking, back pain, head just thumping without me being able to relive it.
I think that the worst part of this is I can go to see the mental health team at the hospital, my GP or my psychologist and I will get a little bit of safety and security but it does not last when things happen that are now outside my scope of ‘normal’. I am really not in a good place at the moment with just my demons. I have tried to clear my mind by starting active with things like clearing the house and so on, I have planned to walk to the jetty on Monday to catch the boat to the mainland, and hopefully appear as a semi-sane, balanced woman for the agency staff.
I am going to try to get my body from shaking, to ignore the voices, stop the terror from closing in. I have part of me wishing to find my old, pre-stroke coma me, and the rest just wants out. I know I need to fight on but it is so hard and I am just so scared, tired, empty, and unable to find anything I can hang on to.
Thank you if you stayed with me tonight. I will hopefully blog tomorrow. I hope that you have a wonderful weekend where ever you are in the world.