Who cares…

Good evening and I hope that your day/evening has been wonderful. It is really good for me to be back at the computer keyboard, as I had a really bad couple of days with the demons screeching and playing their horrid games inside my head.

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I had been going along so well and making progress in finding my place in the big wide world again, then I get a call from the job seekers agency I am with. The young lady who was dealing with me told me that I had to attend the office on Monday so I could start looking for work. I really did try to explain that they had to be some error as I am still waiting for the testing results for the chest/lung infection that had me in the hospital a couple of weeks ago. I tried to fill her in on the details about the stroke/epilepsy and the ongoing testing that I am listed for with the hospitals.

Her response was that I had to make myself available or I would lose my Centrelink payments and that she could see no real reason I can not find a proper job.  So, of course, everything folded in on me again. I have worked so hard to get to where am looking for new training programmes that will allow for me to work with my disabilities. What has been the most off-putting for me is the way I have reacted. I have lost all that confidence and progress I have made. I am hearing aggressive voices around me, not being able to stop myself from shaking, back pain, head just thumping without me being able to relive it.

illnessI think that the worst part of this is I can go to see the mental health team at the hospital, my GP or my psychologist and I will get a little bit of safety and security but it does not last when things happen that are now outside my scope of ‘normal’. I am really not in a good place at the moment with just my demons. I have tried to clear my mind by starting active with things like clearing the house and so on, I have planned to walk to the jetty on Monday to catch the boat to the mainland, and hopefully appear as a semi-sane, balanced woman for the agency staff. 

I am going to try to get my body from shaking, to ignore the voices, stop the terror from closing in. I have part of me wishing to find my old, pre-stroke coma me, and the rest just wants out.  I know I need to fight on but it is so hard and I am just so scared, tired, empty, and unable to find anything I can hang on to. 

Thank you if you stayed with me tonight. I will hopefully blog tomorrow. I hope that you have a wonderful weekend where ever you are in the world.

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