A beautiful hello to you and hope that the good vibes have been annoying you from our last chat. I have been sorting some more of my belongings and making plans for myself and the direction I desire to head toward. I am going to be proactive and stop feeling as if the world is ganging up on me, having the depression pushing me into that horrid dark tunnel and me being too scared to try anything new. So now I am going to annoy you with some of the ideas I have come up with….to be really honest I have to admit that I have been trolling the internet and finding ‘experts’ on the topic.
I know where to start as I have helped some many young people sort their lives our so I made the mistake that it would just be a case of writing the list and fill the space in. Nope, no way was my head going to help and it has spent the day forgetting everything I have ever learned. I know that I have spent more time than is necessarily required telling myself “I’m going to be more organised and productive from now on.”? No, I really am going to start that brilliant new diet, or maybe it is possible that that new gym will work out better for me given my love of food! Only to have my enthusiasm fizzle away, and all my best intentions drifting out to nothing?
I think one of my favourite friends ‘Bridget Jones’ shares it so well with her writing about her constant resolutions into her diary. “Will definitely go to the gym this afternoon.” Only to be followed by a binge of pastries followed by drinking and smoking. I have felt like Bridget way to may times, the great intentions followed by a period of work then the very human trait of laziness taking over because the results I wanted have not showen themselves quick enough.
So the plan I am going to put in place for myself ; 1)Get moving, a little bit at a time. I have not been well and my body is not working as it should so going from five minutes on the exercise bike to ten minutes as my body can handle it is a good way to strenghten it up in the right places and the right way. Most importanly I am not setting task that I can not handle. 2) Make myself accountable, set my targets and share them with someone I can trust. I do not need to much pressure on me because I have had on off day. My first one I am going to work on is the way I will hide behind not fell good because I am to scare to step forward in case I mess up. 3) Ignore my failures, I am not perfect and it is okay to have the odd day where nothing goes according to plans. and the last one 4) Motivate myself, I need to have a goal to aim toward. I would do this with my students then the young ones I had come though the youth centres. It does not have to be change the world but rather something simple and you improve your chance of getting to it.
So I now four step that are going to help me reach these goals.
1. Make a date. Right now. All the good intentions in the history of the universe mean nothing if you don’t actually get started. I make an appointment to see my GP or hairdresser and I will actually get out of bed, shower, change and head off to the ferry to keep my appointments, with out the appointment I would just have stayed in bed or done something silly around the house. I am still getting over the “sometime wrong with me” from my hospital stay.
2. Set a small, achievable goal. I have not done much in the way of personal exeercise in the past couple of years as the jobs I had were close to public transport and I had shopping centres close by. My weight is more than it should be. The fibro also makes it more difficult to exercise, so with the turn last year I really have to balance everything carefully because my system is very out of wack.
“Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back
3. Commit thyself, big time. I will need to make a commitment to myself and really mean it. It is really easy to say I am going to walk every second afternoon then stop doing it after the first week. Once that first bout of enthusiasm wanes and my head reminds me just how good it was to seat at the computer and write or do some knitting it is very easy to cuddle up with my old buddy laziness. Let others know what you are downing so you can have the extra support you need when you feel like walking away from it all. Just to say that make sure it is someone you can trust, for people who have illness that are long term find it difficult to have people who can honestly put up with the unpredicable of their illnesses.
4. Just keep doing it, no matter what. I know that I will have problems keeping it up , encounter obctacles, fall and falter. I know that it is going to take me lots of time to get to where I want to be. I know that I will never be who I was before the coma in Wagga becasue of the brain damage done during the eight day coma, but I am alive which is so much better than the other option. I know that I will have days that I do not want to be here and I know that I will have days where nothing works. BUT I know that I just have to keep going.