A cheerful hello to you and I hope that you are doing well. I have had another one of those weird days, including a visit from my mental health caseworkers because I have not been answering their phone calls. When we checked my phone her number appears as unknown, and I took great delight in pointing out to her that I had made a point of telling her that I will not answer numbers that I do not have listed.
I am off to see both my psychologist and GP tomorrow and I will be able to cover the issues I am currently having issues with. The back of my left-hand side rib cage is incredibly painful and I cannot sit, lay down or move in certain ways without major pain (level 9 – 12). I am not sleeping properly because of the voices trying to calm the mind and tell the body soothing exercise. I am fighting to keep a handle on it all and yes the depression has kicked in but it is a lot to deal with.
I often think that the people who talk to us, guide us through our treatments, tell us just how good we are doing, really do need to experience just one week with our demons, voices, the darknesses and all the other horrors that go with it. My case worker said to me today that not making myself do anything was not a way to get better. I had gone for an hour walk with two other islands three times this week, I have blogged every day this week. I have done some knitting on my quilt. I have done a layout for my son’s painting. I have cooked my meals every day this week. I have done all the dishes this week and I also cleaned the toilet and bathroom. Yes, I am the first person to say that it is not what a normal person would do but for me, it was excellent and should not have been undermined.
The issue that has annoyed me the most since I came out of my coma, with the medical profession not having any ideas as to what it really is, has everyone else in my life in one of three groups, my friends who believe me and are standing by me unconditionally; those who think it is an attention seeking mission because I have nothing else in my life and the final group who think that it is the result of my misspent youth and punishment for the drugs and booze I abused. I am just bloody confused, depressed and can not make up my mind if I want to be here or just simply somewhere that is peaceful and quiet. A roman bath often calls to me and I have to work really hard to convince myself that tomorrow MUST be better than today!
I keep myself going at the moment because I have helped numerous young people who have and are living through horror stories for their lives….families who abuse them, education systems that ignore them, government departments that vilify them and the rest of society who believe the bullshit stories that the media carry about them, and I want to find my health again so I can go back to helping these young adults find their path.
Well that is it for me for today, I know I have both mental and physical issues and I will need help to find my way back but it is just so difficult to find a place to find at the moment because I am just so used to working for others with issues and ignoring mine…having to work out how to fix me is nearly impossible.
Thank you for joining me and reading what is worrying me, I really do appreciate it. I hope you have a lovely day or evening wherever you are in the world xx