A delightful and very happy hello to you, and I hope that your day is treating you like the wonderful person that you are! The sun has come out again here but because of all of the rain, it is still nice and cool so the day has been pretty good. I woke you late as I had such a big day yesterday and my cute (ha-ha) little body can not handle the full-on days that well since the stroke. I am taking it easy today and then doing the downstairs laundry and cleaning it all up so that it looks all neat and tidy tomorrow.
I have done up a list of proper spring cleaning tasks up for myself and have them as my every second-day task. On the odd days, I am going to do an ‘Adrienne’ task such as my handcrafts, writing, getting back into a regular exercise programme and my exploring my potential as the next great artistic artist. I have started my new winter quilt and I really have surprised myself at the quality of my work. It is taking me longer than what it would have before the stroke but I have not dropped a stitch yet…
I am slowly learning that people who have had strokes and who have unidentified medical conditions, that the doctors are trying to find answers and then treatments for, or cures for often take a lot of time to get where they are going. After my session with my psychologist yesterday I came to the realisation that I have an unrealistic standard for myself and before my medical problems I was able to find ways to use my work and other activities to cover my issues but now I have nothing and I am face to face with it.
I need to lower the expectations I have for myself, I am not perfect and never have been, I am allowed to make mistakes, I do not need to be a walking dictionary or encyclopaedia, I can ask for help because I am just a normal person. Because of my background and being the eldest with handicapped siblings, I have grown up thinking that I must be able to do everything perfectly. When I started school I did the same thing as my school community was full of first generation Australians from Greek and Italian backgrounds and I help to cover for my fellow students (friends) when the Sisters of Mercy would get angry with them. I would get the punishment so I learned very quickly how to cope with the negative in life so that no one knew I was in pain or suffering…until last October I had it down to a fine skill.
Over the past fortnight, I have done some really deep thinking I have gone back over my entire life and remember all the things I have lived through. If a young person came into my office with half the horrors I have dealt with I would have an A4 page filled with treatments and activities need to get them back to being anywhere near normal again. I have lived through a major motor vehicle accident at three and half years of age (my direct family was in the hospital for three months and I was with a distant great Aunt), been sexually abused from the age of four to nine, raped by an Uncle at eighteen, abused throughout a private education system, victim of family abuse both physical and verbal. Yep a child of the sixties and everyone wants to know why I was a pothead and drinker in the seventies.
It was my best friend and little brother’s death that straighten me up and for the most selfish reason that made me claim my life. BJ (Robert ) had a golden heart and the family did not find out until his funeral just how good he really was, (my brother had major brain damage in the car accident I mentioned early) but throughout his twenty-five, on this planet, he had worked hard to overcover most of his restrictions. He took many of the seniors to their shopping on their pension paydays, he mowed lawns, cleaned out drains, and so many other things that older people can no longer do when they are living in their own homes, he also held down a full-time job. And yes he still came out with all of us as any normal young person. He passed on the 14th of December of natural causes in his bed. I promised him at his graveside that I would continue what he was doing for people, the only difference was that I found out that I had a way with the young where he was great with the seniors.
So I think a part of me is feeling that I am letting him down now. I stopped drinking and doing drugs on the 15th of December 1989 and focussed on trying to live up to the BJ I had put on his special pedestal and at the moment I am not good enough to honour him. So when I really started to think about it properly I know that he would give me a huge squeezy cuddle and tell me that I can not help anyone if I am a walking disaster area myself, then he would help me sort myself out, before pushing me back out into the public arena. So I have decided to do what I know he would help me do….yes it will take me a while because it has been nearly 30 years since I lost him so I have him on a pedestal that is really, really high that the messages are just a little out of context now.
I would like to thank you very much for letting me get this all out onto paper and helping me get it all sorted out in my head. I do enjoy going to visit members of the medical profession but because I have always been a reader I carry all these horrid images of ‘sane’ people being locked away because of something simple that was said, and the doctor misunderstood.
I hope that your day/evening is just perfect and you relax as you should xx