The usual happy hello and I hope that this day finds you feeling well and in a cheerful place. Again, thank you for joining me for my blogging for today. I have been out on my walk this morning, organised a good breakfast and lunch, and been a little proactive in doing some housework. Today I have decided that I am going to have a look at one of the biggest problems I have had throughout my life. My inability to control my weight or rather using my weight to punish myself for my beliefs in my wrongs.
Like any family, my mother has numerous family photo albums of her offspring growing up, and I am the one that goes from paper thin to a duplicate teddybear. For the early years, I have no real memory of the reasoning but I did start to notice a link between horrid eating habits in my early teen years and they have continued to now. Of course, I have always had a reason…to much study, working out for the softball team and no one ever said anything as it was the 60/70s and weight was not a big deal.
I was given a weight watchers membership for my 15th birthday present from my parents as Ma thought that as I was working full time I should look more grown up and “have more pride in yourself”. I managed to keep it off for two years until I had something go wrong and I went back to the punish me on that subconscious level by eating any food I could.
With my stay at the mental health centre at the hospital, I was lucky enough to get to review how my eating patterns impact on me as a punishment tool for myself. In short, when I see myself as having done something wrong, created problems for others or just messed up someway, I head straight to the fridge or cupboard. I know that being overweight is unacceptable and one of two responses occurs ~ A) I am ignored because I am fat and therefore have no use, or B) I personally do not have the energy to take part in that. A nice safe haven in which I am not bothered.
Now let me get into what the team at the hospital shared with me and I will try to keep it as close to what we did as I fully intend to follow it myself.
“Let me start by asking you two questions, and yes, they do not seem to have anything to do with weight but all will become clear as we go along”.
Do you have a hard time saying “no?
Do you rarely get angry?
“Yes to either one of these questions means you’ve just found the key to creating a body you can love. Your answer to this has important clues to your weight-loss. Many women who have body issues are generally fighting against internal unseen monsters that makes them reach for that comforting piece of food. These women have looked at themselves in the mirror with disgust, and they’ve hated themselves for not being able to change their bodies, but sadly this is often hidden deep in the subconscious.” If we go one step further and I ask if you find it impossible to say no to others, then your extra weight could be acting as a form of protection so you are not truly being seen. And so with not losing your temper, it is most likely that you use your weight as a buffer for the unexpressed anger. Did you feel unworthy or unimportant throughout your childhood?
So with me, this developed because I was the eldest sibling and my three young ones all had illnesses of some sort and I was the go and collect person for my parents. As we matured I was still that but the others all got special support that eventually lead to recognition from other family members, teachers etc. I was just there…never did anything of any value and quite often would get into trouble because one of my siblings had been sick (or similar) and I had not cleaned up or fixed it up. I never did anything that measured up to my sisters and brother.
So in effect what I have done is spend a lifetime hiding my true self behind these layers of extra weight, covering myself up from being seen so I can keep the vulnerable me safe. What I need to do now is allow the real me to break out and take pride in the person I really am. Yes, it will be difficult as hiding me is a life time protection tool but if I am to survive and take control of both my mental and physical health then this is the path I have to walk.