A peaceful hello to you and I hope that your day/evening has been all you could hope for. I am putting my thoughts and emotions to paper as this is how I can get my head and heart to work best, and I can get some sort of notion as to what I need. I am not going to hurt myself as I will take myself to a hospital before that happens. I have another session of hiding myself away from the world and interacting with the demons. I am thinking that I will be taking myself off to the hospital before the end of this week. I have been sleeping, writing and reading…all the things that others have said they sometimes find comfort and peace with, but the world just seems to still be closing in.
I am not sure how much of this is because I have psychical pain and illnesses that I know are going to take some time to mend, or how much is because I have people like Centrelink telling me I can work, it is just that I do not want to. I know the making the depression public has added to my sense of worthlessness but I knew that would happen when I decided to take it public. It may just be that I have my mind in overdrive and overthinking everything.
I have been keeping what little balance I have by reading the words of others who have similar issues. It is heartbreaking how often I am reading that the attitude from the ‘normal’ sector of society is the same. If you can not see it, it just is not there…it is because you do not want to work, you do drugs, and so on. I am also hearing that often doctors have similar views and tend to dope the patients up and push us out the door.
Please do not get me wrong, I do not sit in my room sharping the razor blade and planning how to finish it all. Yes, the idea is there but I do want to live too. I am caught between two worlds – the one where I am terrified of what is here and I know there is no hope for me or tomorrow. The other one where I know that this will pass if I can just hold on. It is just which one is the stronger and has the desire will decide who wins.
My words have always been my safety net, what has stopped me from going over the edge. At the moment I am finding it difficult to create a description of the actual emotional void I am, how to capture the impassionate crevice I have fallen into. Without this necessary skill to assist me to construct a tale of my world I have no way of designing the escape. I am no longer Lucy in Naria and without this safeguard, I am really terrified that I no longer possess the ability to find the goodness that influences Mr. Tumnus and change what is!
I have had two close friends tell me to go to the hospital this week, for the above-outlined reasons, and because they know that I hate to admit that there I something wrong with me, that I may have a flaw of some sort. Sadly, I know that I am going to have to go as I made myself promise that if I spent any more than four days in this room then I really needed properly trained help, that my couple of University units and reading published books on how to approach mental illness, is not honestly working.
I hate that fact that my head is not working, my body is malfunctioning, my emotions are in a world of their own. I have undertaken a male apprenticeship before females could, I raised both my children as a single parent after the ex-left, never to be seen again, I undertook two degrees in my thirties whilst raising the kids and know that I am through all that, my body and mind decide that I can not make the most of MY time.