Empty just plain empty!

Hello to those of you who have dropped by to see what I am up to. I sincerely hope that your weekend has been the best you could dream of.  I have not left my room apart of the necessary trips to the ladies room. I have had a horrid weekend and the demons have really got the better of me.

I am so scared of this depression because until this bout I have always had other things I could use to hid it behind. I do not have that now. I am from that generation that was taught that mental illness was insanity and no normal person had it. I know I really should go to the hospital to the mental health unit for a couple of days rest, relaxation and get the professional support I need but I am just to frighten to admit that I am not just suffering from depression I also can not help myself through it. 

I know what I should be doing, but I can not find the energy or the motivation to do it. I have spent the past two days thinking about what I want to do but ending up in tears or a panic attack as the notions drifted to formalising a plan for it. I am so angry with myself for I know I have a good brain and I am not (nor have I ever been) lazy, but here I am now not ever able to leave my bedroom. I feel so miserable, useless and utterly without purpose.

I have various government departments saying to me that I should be able to cope with 15/20 hours a week doing some form of voluntary work (yes, they have conceded that I can no longer work 15/20 full time) and I can not get them to acknowledge that my medical team are in disagreeances and do not want me working at all. Especially with the heart problems my medical team have stated that working will be dangerous. I had one of the women at the job network say to me that I looked just fine to her, and when I gave her my doctors report, the response was “oh, depression…we get a lot of your type in here…”, this was the only one on the list she noticed, I have a computer generated A4 sheet of medical problems. 

I know that I will end up going to the mental health unit at the local hospital, as I made myself a promise to deal with this out in the open and properly. I am not going to hide it away but it is taken me some time to adjust to my issues I think some of it is because I have spent a lifetime hiding it, some of it is because of the way the woman at the job agency responded, but the biggest part of it is I really do not know what to do…I am just so terrified!

It is terrifying trying to cope with it. The fear of what people will think about you. The terror of what you could do.

One thought on “Empty just plain empty!

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  1. You’re not alone. And not the only one worried about their ability to return to work. I am hopeful I’ll be able to write for a living, but realistically the odds are pretty low, which will mean eventually getting a real job. I have depression and anxiety (although my anxiety is much better than it was), so I’m not sure how it’s going to go. Stay strong 🙂


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