Well, I am a little late getting into today’s blog. I have spent much of my day today reading blogs on this site as well as looking at the work of other writers. It is so interesting the varied styles, topics, and creativity that everyone displays. Anyway a lovely hello to you and I hope that your Friday has been productive, and that you are looking toward your weekend with eagerness.
I am continuing on with my planning from yesterday. Yes, I know that I am not working properly at the moment but I will recover and reinvent myself, bigger and better than before. I have decided that I am going to give some of myself to ensuring that the stigma attached to mental illness is removed and that it is treated as any other illness. I have found that some aspects of my nature are far more prominent when I am in one of my depressive periods, I tend to write more and definitely read and question issues that matter to me. So it may be that these periods are necessary so that I can resolve problems and then contribute to society for the improvement of society.
I have always looked at myself via the interaction of those who influenced me as a developing child. I know that it sounds silly, but when I make a mistake or my mind slips into one of these shutdowns, I go straight back to being that five-year-old child. I was viewed as annoying, loud, disagreeable, difficult and many other problems that no adult wanted to deal with. I know that I have valid reasons for all the negative traits displayed as a child, but the problem is that the mindset was established before I had any control over it. The moment I feel as if I am losing control I revert straight back to that five-year-old. Now the problem is because I do have a good education it is viewed as me just wanting an opt out.
I had a friend of many years standing tell me that I covered all the answers for this whilst I was studying at uni, and had put it in place with the young, problemed teens I have dealt with over the years, so what was the ‘drama queen’ performance all about? Yes, agree totally, but when my heart is slapping against my ribs, I can not breathe, I have no clear vision, and I am 100 percent certain that I am dying, I can not talk myself through it, or explain the reason why this is not as my body/mind has precieved it to be. I need a professional to help me. I am going to get that professional support and hopefully, I will learn enough this time that I can keep these shutdowns to a minor hiccup in my life.
I am going to gain control again…it may take a little while but with each step forward I learn something new about myself and what I am capable of, I will create a way to find a comfort with who I am (with all my flaws), and I will learn to like myself regardless of what others think of me.
The brilliant image is by Dianae Diviantart