Hello, and I hope that your day has been kind to you. I have been having a restful one as my Wednesday doctor visit always has me tired today. It was a productive visit and I have my referral to see the mind expert, plus my doctor is sending me off for more blood test (just to be on the safe side), so hopefully I will soon start to see an improvement in my physical well-being.
I spent some quality time with my daughter today, and I found this very productive. She reminded me of some of my character traits that I have forgotten that I have. She pointed out that whilst I do help others it has been a way to make myself feel worthy and having a valid reason to be! Currently, I can not even help myself, so, therefore, the reason for me to be does not exist. Please do not get me wrong, I do not expect praise or public acknowledgment for the work I do, but it does give me a personal reason to be.
I felt better after this chat (she has always been the smart one in the family) for I realised that much of what I am going through is as a result of the coma and the near encounter I had with death. I had never realised that I was or could possibly die, so to lose that nine days and realise that I was a human being, who could die, after all, has really knocked me around. I know that I do need to get professional help as this one is just way to big for me to deal with on my own, but that will not stop me from making a few back up plans as I go.
I had planned, after the kids grew up, and I became independent again, to go back to uni and get my Ph.D. in history, then travel the world lecturing, visiting sites, writing and just generally enjoying all that the world has to offer. I have never been a person to need any particular single person, I love meeting people and seeing what they have to offer the world. Sadly, waking up in the hospital ward, not knowing who anyone was, having the hospital staff tell you that you had been in a coma, had nearly died, and no one had any idea why, does tend to shake one’s self-confidence, well it did mine!
I was forced to come back to live with my kids (not a problem from them but I was really upset by it), with medical issues that no one could give me any clear answers to, and my mind and body having its own episodes whenever it wanted too! The end result was me becoming more anxious, sliding further into a serious depressive episode and having enough of an education to know exactly what was happening but not having the personal skills to fix any of my problems. All the time thinking that the moment I felt a new pain, got an unusual feeling it was death come to collect me…
I feel better now that my doctor has told me that I can just go to the hospital if it does all become too much and book in as a voluntary patient. It gives me that back up plan I think I have been missing up to now. I know I still have much work to do on my road to recovery and that sorting out the physical issues will be much easier than my mental ones. Learning that you are mortal really disturbs your self-confidence, but I have come back from every other trial and depression I have slipped into before, so I know I will from this one and as for the mortal thing….well I always liked being a rule breaker