isolation

 

Well, I am very late getting to my blog today. I was deciding whether I was actually going to write it up. I have been having a horrid day today but I will share that with you shortly. I must ask how your day has been and say that I really wish that it was not just happy but productive as well. I often think about what others do during the day and how they can manage to get all they need to do sorted, organised and finished before they head home. I have vague memories of being able to do that and I sometimes think that those memories are all that keep me from ending it all.

I overthink everything and believe that the people around me do not want me here or are plotting against me. I go between two body/mindsets where I am either hyperactive, pacing and cannot control my thoughts, or to frighten to get out of bed because I am so scared of what is going to happen to me and I cannot control my thoughts. I am paranoid, freaking out and I believe in my mind that I am of no value and the world, my friends, everyone is out to get me. I know it makes no sense but that is what it is for me.

My son is now my primary carer and I am in the process of doing up the necessary care kit for him to have if I require additional care, this way he simply hands it to whoever responds. He is patient with me and I know that it can be annoying for him when I get forgetful, or have an entire conversation that makes absolutely no sense at all (if you have had members of the family that have had frontal lobe damage you will know what I am talking about), but he assists me as I need it including letting me sit in his room when I am scared that there is something waiting to get me. I have a growing list of medical issues and he has read through the list so he knows what I have and if something is not as it should be. I really am very lucky to have him to look after me, for I truly am terrified as to what is really happening to me and I do not have anyone else who cares for me to talk to.

I do have other family members, my kid sister who is a cancer survivor with a list of illnesses of her own, my mother who also is not well and father has cancer. My daughter has a life of her own, I feel as if I am just being a burden on her when I ask for some help, and it really is not fair to expect her to put everything on hold whilst I try to sort this out. I have always been capable of fixing up the family problems as the kids were growing up so this really should not be any different.  I think the worst part of it is that I have so many things going on, each one on its own is not that big a problem but because I have them all together it becomes daunting and for me very overwhelming.

I think it would be so nice if I had a friend in my age bracket that I could chat with, my son is great but he has so little real-life experience that much of what I gabble about means little to him you. In closing, I would like to say that if you have a friend who has anxiety or depression be patience with them…it is not something you have any control over.

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Anxiety and depression is a nightmare for me, I am currently living with it on a daily basis

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