Well hello to you and thank you so very much if you are still checking in after my long absence. I hope that all is good with you and that life has been kind and treating you with plenty of love and good fortune. I am sorry to all who checked in for a read, only to find nothing posted but I do have a very valid reason!
I have been in the hospital for the past week. I left the house to attend to some business, had a turn at the Centrelink office and the girls there called the ambulance who then had to take me to the local hospital. I am very grateful for the wonderful care and support I received but I really do not remember too much of it. I had been feeling a little off for a few days but did not really think too much about it as my system does not work as it did before my turn in June. However, it turns out that it was my system trying to tell me I needed help.
When I first arrived, the hospital did all the usual test but initially thought it was a major panic attack. As on arrival in an ambulance, the hospital staff leave the EGC bits attached that the ambos had connected me to and processed the blood work, apparently some of this was not as it should be, so I was then transferred to a bed in A & E and connected to some different machines, drip needle in and monitored. I was there for nearly a day before the staff could work out which ward to transfer me to as my test had shown more than one problem.
I was transferred in the middle of the evening to a bed 13….so I was in full panic mode! It did not take the staff long to get me settled in, hooked up and sleeping. As with any hospital, you are woken during the night so the staff can do what is necessary – blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen in the blood and so on, and as I had presented with an erratic heartbeat I was on a monitor as well. I did end up having a peaceful sleep but was still feeling like I had been feed through a harvest compacter backward.
After breakfast, I was sent for numerous test and spent a considerable amount of time having all sorts of tests, on a varied selection of machines, and being cared for by an array of really wonderful people who explained what and why they were doing this. I really did not have the heart to tell them – a) I did not understand & b) was really too sick to care. This process continued over the next two days, and one of the doctors explained that ‘because of the odd results that some of my tests had presented them with, it meant that other tests were needed to see which direction they needed to be going’.
It was decided to monitor me over the next few days to see just what my body was doing. The doctors also varied the medicines I have been taking and have introduced a delightful selection of other ones – (I am not one hundred percent certain what they do but my GP will fill me in next week when I see her) – that are helping to make me feel better and this is always a positive thing. So for the next two days, it was still bedrest strictly, and the only reason to get up being toilet or shower and this was with nurse supervision. Then the following two days I was allowed to walk around the ward and get back into the routine I would have at home…still not allowed to push myself too much, (little things like sitting in a special chair for my shower rather than standing), but getting the muscles and mind organised so if I was having an odd moment at home I would know, and react properly.
Well, here I am back home after an eight-day visit to the local hospital, with my appointment for my GP visit organised, my request for my specialist appointments in and the medical team from the hospital telling me “to make sure that I do take my tablets at the same time, faithfully, every day, to not do too much, get plenty of rest, eat well, and keep up my fluids”, until we have had a chance to follow up with the specialist and work out exactly what is happening.
I had to face my own mortally when I woke up after that coma in June, and the fact that I could have died and not known, terrified me, yes I have had days where I do not feel well, but never have I really thought that I could cease to be. I have so much I still want to do and my having a knee that does not quite work properly or getting the odd headache was never going to be an issue….death was only something that happened to the ‘well into their 80s’ women in our family.
I am still feeling a little unsettled and unsure of myself as I would not have thought that I was seriously ill last week (BP 62/58 – first one after official admittance to hospital), and am a little annoyed at myself as I have been stating since my turn in June that I am learning to relax, releasing control and looking after my health before everything else. In my usual style, I think that if I state that this is what I want to happen my mind will do exactly what I want it to do…sadly my body did not get that memo.
So it looks like I REALLY must learn to stop and take it easy, cease worrying, just let life happen, learn to actually put myself before other people, understand that it truly is okay to say “my health will not let me do that” or else I will end up dying because I can not let go of my control issues, my guilt feelings, learn that it is okay to put me first, and all the other bullshit hang-ups I have accumulated over my 55 years on this planet!!!