Beyond Blue for One?

I pretend that I am happy every day

I worry that I am never good enough 

I am confused and frustrated 

I know that I am being punished

I do not see enough

I try to be good and kind

I cry when I am alone

I pretend that I am happy every day

I am going crazy

I see too much

I feel alone all the time

I know that I can not do it right

I act like I do not care 

I hurt so much deep inside

I pretend that I am happy every day

cc447d7de54ebfd20d1cb9cb773b9449--pot-of-gold-gods-promises

Hello and I very much appreciate the time you give to stop and read what I have to write about today. I did try to get on yesterday to write something up but my mind and emotions had other ideas. My beast really does cripples me, I take medicine that helps to keep me from the edge but not much else happens. My beast is really punishing me at the moment!

I had problems even getting up to go to the toilet yesterday, I ate some food so I could have my tablets and the beast constantly argued with me about why I should be taking them, kept pushing into the tunnels of my mind I try to keep locked up. I get caught between just crying until I can see or hear nothing or stopping it all with a shiny little blade. I know all the rules for this as it is something I have battled for years but it makes no sense when I am sliding into an episode. My demons still take over no matter what I do to stop them.

I do not sleep well, I get so tired that my body, mind and eyes close off, but just for a little while and then it is like a massive explosion and I am back to being a shaking, crying, scared little girl without anyone.

I am single, lonely because I  am not worthy of having someone to share my life! That is only for the couples I see when I leave the house to do what I have to do. Yes, on a logically level I know that there are other single people around me but the demons make it difficult to see them.

For my regular readers, you know that I have had a lifetime of controlling my weight but I have just recently actually dropped nearly ten kilos, a reason to be celebrating, but I am only seeing thin, confident looking women, with my mind not letting me see anyone else. I know that there are overweight/cuddly women there because the world is made up of all shapes and sizes, but I only see those that are the model type, the demons make sure of it.

I know I am getting lost in one of my depressive episodes, which means that I really am no longer in the best position to make any form of choices regarding my own self-care. My demons convince me that I am not wanted, I am a pest, convince me to should be isolated because I am not safe with others, space out for the day, oversleep, binge, starve, ignore everything and simply give up. I have to learn to do the opposite of what these internal voices are telling me to do. I have to learn that when I am going into a depression, I cannot be isolated. I need to seek help, reach out to my friends, support groups and do the opposite of what I have done this time, I should not be isolated.

I have to learn to do the opposite of what these demons are telling me to do. I have to learn that when I am isolated and like this, I need to do the opposite of what the demons are telling me. I need to join a group where I can not make an excuse and it will be accepted, I should do exactly the opposite and reach out to a friend or attend a support group. When the voice of the demons tells me to watch TV all day, I have to push myself to take a walk or listen to some time that will let me know I am worthwhile. I have to keep telling myself this until it is the first thing I hear when the demons start to emerge from their cupboard!

I have had the Catch-22 of the depression recovery explained so often, I have worked my way through it more times then I care to think about but what no one remembers to tell you is the things that help the most are the things that are the most difficult to do. I know after all these years I can not battle the demons on my own and that is why I will be going to my doctor and with her help, I will be able to get those demons back into their box again.

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