Beast Most Horrid!

Hi and thank you for stopping by to read what I have put together. I again hope that your day has been gentle with you and is treating you well.

I am slipping into a depressive episode over which I have little control, I will see my doctor next week and organise additional support but until then it is a matter of finding reasons to keep functioning. My photo is of one of the walking places I go when I am trying to find extra tranquillity and centre myself. It is so difficult to know what is happening and not having much control over your spiral downward. Because of all of the other health issues I have had since June I am really struggling to stay on top of this and hopefully avoid a relapse into any of the other medical conditions I suffer from.

It makes no difference how much I talk to myself or go over the positive reconfirmations that I am a good person, I have done nothing wrong, that all is good, it makes little difference as my head as it just does not work properly. The rest of my body also goes out in sympathy by shutting down…aches and pain all over, headache, shakes, upset tummy, cannot see properly, feeling guilty, knowing I can not do anything properly, my thoughts become very confused and I really can not make any sense of a single thing. 

I hope by sharing this that if you are experiencing similar feelings you reach out. I suffered for years in silence because I honestly believed that I deserved to be punished for being an evil person. I made some very bad decisions based on this belief, and I often still put off getting support because deep down I still think I am not a good or worthy person, that I deserve what is happening to me. No one should have to feel less than worthy, be afraid to leave their home, interact with others or be so ashamed of who they are or what they have done, that they do nothing at all. 

macleay island

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