Demons relentless torment forbid mindless slumber
Voices beckoning from darkening recesses begging attention
Emotion blending into chaos from which no escape is possible
no control can I gain,
no peace can I find,
no hope for tomorrow,
no memory of today!
adversities face off – a battle to the death…
no victor, no glory, no peace, a plea for silence….
granted without thought?
Tears and heartache claim those left behind.
Original work by Adrienne A Brayshaw.
I again thank you for taking the time to read what I am penning. I hope that your day has been kind to you.
I often just let my pen run free when my head gets into this chaotic space and hope that some of the confusion can escape, I find comfort in words. From early childhood, I have used words to express myself, to hide in the warmth that they can provide, and use them to try and work out why the world is so confusing and bitter. I try to understand why my head and my heart do not want to work together when everyone else seems to have no problems at all. I often try to remember what I did that was so wrong that I must keep paying for it. It is so much easier to just ignore it all but that is for the weak and my family have always said that we have no place for weakness in the family. I do not know what I must do to fix it but I know I have to keep trying, I am just not sure what I am trying for anymore!
I am so confused at the moment, I am trying to get back into shape, my kids have taken me in and provide a safe haven until I am back on my feet, my doctor is being her usual brilliant self – GPing for me but also organising all the other professional care I need – but I am just so all over the place. Days I can not even get out of bed, leave the house, trouble breathing and all the usual problems I develop whenever I think my life is a waste. I battle with demons, I know how annoying others find me, I have problems functioning, I can not sleep, food is a temptation that has been created to make me weak…nothing makes any sense. I am so confused, words are the only friend I have, I just write how I am thinking and sometimes I feel better long enough to get a wave of calmness happening.
If you are reading my words at the moment, know that I use this to hopefully get myself calm enough to rest. If my head space gets to the point that I know that I need proper help to calm the voices, feeling and body then I ring the professionals and go to the hospital.