Evil out of my being…

Hi and I really appreciate that you have decided to see what I am sharing with you today. I wish you the best for your day and trust that your weekend has been sweet for you.

I am sliding into one of my depressions, which I hate as I know that I can not control it, yet it has a massive control over me. I have trouble being, awake when I should be sleeping, sleeping when the world is awake. I can not eat without being ill, my nerves do not let me perform any task without feeling as if I have run a mile. I panic that I will do something that will kill me and then I only want to sit, crying but have no understanding as to why! I do not know what has caused this change for less than a week ago I was coping well, then two days ago I begin to feel down and now….

It is one of those odd things, you are feeling ‘normal’ and coping with most of what life is throwing at you, then all of a sudden and for no reason everything gives way and nothing makes sense. You have to try to maintain that normal you have to go on, get up, have breakfast, clean house, shower, and so on but the tasks are so very difficult and each one gets more complex as the day rolls on. Often you just end up hiding out somewhere in the house where you can look normal but you can close off completely. 

I have had this for so many years now that I can not go to friends and family anymore because I know they think it is just the ‘attention-seeking’ or ‘only down in the dumps’ mindset….I cannot go to my kids because I know that they both have depression as well and having to deal with me on that level as well is just a little too much. I really do wonder why I keep trying, it seems that no matter what I do there is nothing to make a difference. I have never wanted to be wealthy, have the best house on the block, own the most flash car, my only desire in this life has been to help others find contentment and be content myself. Simple but I can not find that….

I can not understand why my thoughts are so horrid, why my world does not work as I want it to, why it is so hard to get B to follow A, and why do I have problems sorting out the simplest of things. I know life is not meant to be easy but having most of your day and all of your being overrun by darkness and thoughts you can not control is a struggle that is becoming too difficult to cope with. 

I know that I am going to have another broken night’s rest with beast invading when my eyes close, that my mind will continue to taunt me over my demons, and I know I have no way to deal with any of this….so I am writing and hopefully this may help me get some of the evil out of my being….

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