A glorious hello to you and many thanks for joining me for today’s ramble. I have always enjoyed writing and get upset when I struggle with getting my thoughts onto paper. The past week has been a struggle, which has thrown me, for several different reasons. I will list them –
- My health concerns, and the fact that I really do not have a true understanding of what is happening. I just know that I can not do what I could seven months ago, and no-one has any real answers as to what is happening.
- I have this illogical fear that if I am not feeling well that I am dying. That this is because I have not been a good person and must be punished. I can not always talk myself through this and end up suicidal.
- I am sick at the moment and have not been able to find a balance, I can not keep food in the system, am experiencing in/out sensations, and cold/hot flushes with tremors. I am off tomorrow for blood tests and imaging scans so that my doctor can hopefully get an idea of what is going on. But at the moment it is ‘keep the fluids up and plenty of bed rest’.
- And finally it is me coming to terms with the fact that I am getting older, I really am not well, I can no longer run and hide from this, but must face up to it and see if I can work with the medical professions to resolve the issues that can be fixed, and minimise those ones that I will have for the rest of my life.
My head is coming to terms with fact that I really do have issues that I need professional help to fix. I now know that by me running away (I decided that I knew better than the medical team I was working with and left to return to the workforce) that I have made this worse. I also have additional health issues as a result of the original problems going untreated whilst I tried to prove I knew best. So, for now, I am struggling to find a place where I can get my body working as it should, my head not undermining my efforts, and finding a space where I can again be comfortable.
I am undertaking a programme where I not only lose weight (achieved via changing negative/punishing eating patterns), but work through issues that are part of the underlining reason I had low self-esteem, self-hate, and self-destructive issues, so hopefully this will give me the additional support that I need to create a person that can deal with all that life has to toss my way. As my life stands at the moment it does not take much to push me into a wreck. I do not want to continue this way.
Now that I have cleared that up, I will continue with what was rattling through my brain when I started writing this. I am a public transport gal and have always enjoyed the interaction, which is part of the attraction when people share a bus/train to work. Swapping ideas, recipes, chatting about the weekend, and generally interacting with each other as you drag yourself to and from work. I have always enjoyed this and see it as one of the nicest parts of the ‘work’ ritual in modern society.
Now if you have been with me from the start you will know that I hope for a society that supports and interacts with each other. Being able to engage with your neighbour, to chat with the person at the shopping centre or just to say hi because a person is walking toward you, working toward a world where we all live as equals.
I look at what happens every day and see that there are those who will disregard and denigrate others based only on the fact that they see no value in the other person simply because they are older, have health issues, are from another country, believe in a different god, earn less money, live in a different suburb, and many other reasons. I live for the day that as a society we see all people as a friend, someone to talk with, a person who has something to add. In short, it is the time that we stop trying to be the most important person here, look at where we are in our lives, reviewed what has been achieved, and am I really happy.
Being on your own is definitely not a good place to be, people are designed for companionship. Having someone there to spend time with you, a person who finds value in your opinions, a cause you join your friends to fight and right the injustice, or just a gathering around the barbie, mean so much more than being the head of the company, financially independent, or closing your friends and family out because you no longer have a need for them.
Stop, pick up that phone and either call or message a friend or family member and recapture part of who you are! It may not be bringing the world together but it is certainly a great start.