I really want to be happy…

So you are still with me, that makes me extremely happy and very grateful. It is nice to know that you are interested enough to pop in for a read. I hope that your world is running well and everything is as it should be, but if not, that you at least have the control you require to make you happy.

I had a horrid night last evening, with my demons tormenting me relentlessly. I have gotten to the point in my life where I can find nothing to do that stops them taking over. It has dawned on me that throughout my life I have managed to find ways to work with them and minimize the damage they do. My Nan gave my ‘the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe’ when I was nearly seven (so started my one true love affair), and I would hide away with my many friends lasting for several years before I reached teenagehood, then these friends struggled to battle my demons and keep me safe. 

The grown-ups in my world always discussed how difficult I was being, my anti-social behaviour, my attention seeking tantrums, but never once stop to ask me why I did not want to sleep, why I could not understand what I was being told to do, why I hated myself, hell I did not know myself, I just knew I hated me, and yes, the bloody voices were real! I struggled, and still do to this day, with the notion that I was not and am not a good person, that my inability to organise my headspace to everyone else’s standard doesn’t mean major anti-social flaws.  I have never been able to do anything properly. 

I am the first born, and my siblings had proper medical conditions (the ones that you can really see and treat), so it was my job to be major care-taker, and I never had a problem with this role, in fact, it is still one that I continue to do as needed, but to marginalise my symptoms as ‘attention-seeking’ was never fair or just. To tell me now that it was ‘just the era’, that the others had proper medical conditions, or I was/am just difficult and attention seeking, does not make it any less real or mean I have nothing to deal with. It does mean I have major problems when asking for support, acknowledging that these dark demons need to be analysed and that it really is not normal to struggle to find reasons to continue to live. 

I can write about how I feel, and therefore review how it impacts on me because writing is the one thing I have in my life that I have ever been any good at, really mastered at an early age. I have the saving grace that when most people read they assume that what is written is made-up, and therefore the writer can express themself as freely and honestly as they desire. I know that for most readers, this is a blog written by an unknown person, and that there really is very little chance that anyone I actually know clicking on the link to bring them to my blog, so keeping me safe.

Another issue I am slowly starting to accept is that I really do have a serious medical matter that I need to be open about with my doctor. I am trained for roles that I can not do because of my current physical restrictions, but with the demons I struggle with on a daily basis, I am really fighting to find reasons to exist. I need to get my doctor to refer me off to someone who will help me, at the very least, create some techniques that will keep them at a comfortable distance. I need to work with someone who can support me as I endeavour to find some worth in who I am, allow me the freedom to learn skills that will permit ‘my one hundred percent control ideology’ to take a vacation, in short, learn to be happy, without my very vocal internal voice screeching at me, “YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!”

I am having issues at the moment as I am caught between what I know society expects of me, what I can do based on my health and my very dark thoughts that really should never be allowed to roam free anywhere. From childhood, I have been told that I am not good enough (no I am not blaming my folks, the education system, social norms or the religious ideologies from that era), I did not fit in, I was stupid, I had no purpose, I was useless and the list continues, so I emerged from what should be the portion of your life where you learn ‘how to cope, and develop a self of you’, with nothing but the “that is wrong, it must me” belief. My way to cope with the ‘dark places’ was to drink way too much, break as many of the rules as I could and do drugs – often, which simply added to the long-term impact of my demons, and my battles with them. 

Society has an extremely long memory, is very unforgiving, and will leave some of us on the sideline permanently. I know it is so much easier for me to say to everyone, “yes I am fat because I binge eat” (that is a different mental health story for another blog), “I am unhealthy”, “I am lazy”, “I am on my own because I am a bitch, and no half decent bloke would want to live with a fat, lazy, slob like me”, then it is to say I have demons that torment me and there is nothing I can do. At least when I was raising the kids I had other things I could focus on and the demons only got to escape occasionally, but now they just will not stop…

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