Good evening and hope your day has been good. I have had a very full day and am quite tired now so today’s blog will be a short one, and may be somewhat disjointed, as I have had quite a full day. I did decide today that the way in which any given circumstances are perceived depends on where you stand in the equation.
I had to go into town to see the company that carries the policy for me not being able to return to work ever again. Yes, I am getting to the point of acknowledging that I may not be some sort of superwoman, who can overcome every thing that she encounters. I do not like the fact that I really can not do what I have always been able to do. It hurts me no end that I need to carry a notepad, with my to do list so I can ensure that I get to do what I have set out to do. I hate it that I can not keep going and that tomorrow I will spend most of the day in pain and resting up because I had a task to do today. I am still to visit my doctor and tell her that I really am not dealing and live daily with very dark thoughts and I being constant friends.
The day was too much for me and I arrived back at the kid’s place utterly exhausted, with my mind in a dark void. I know that I have to get this paper work done, organise the medical follow-up and start being honest with my doctor about where I really am, but for now, I am just going to write this up as I made a promise to myself that I would do a daily blog.
I achieved what I had on my ‘to do list’ and got home in one piece. I know I will have to work really hard to sort out everything from today as it all just ended up in my folder, in my bag. What has hit home for me today – is my perception of how others see me: my belief that if I am not working as others think I should: if I do not cope according to the guidelines of society, – does it make me a failure? I really think that it is something I need to get happening for me, that is to accept the support available via medical channels and stop pretending that this will just disappear if I ignore it long enough or simply pretend that it is just a phase. Restrictions apply only from where you see them….