A lovely hello to you this wonderful Wednesday. I have had a bit of a struggle type day today, so my blog is going to be a little ‘woe is me’. I promise it will not be one where I accuse the world of being out to get me, but rather share how my ability to deal with matters has changed.
Before my mind took its little holiday I had excellent coping skills. I had no problems sorting out matters, juggling my time and numerous commitments, being available for meetings, friends, and outings. Sadly I now become quite excited if I can remember my full name and date of birth without stopping to think about it. I make daily adjustments because of my health and I try so hard to remain positive, to view it as beneficial, something I need an awareness of for a reason. It is not always the case.
I started today well, even though this week has been an up and down type one: my kids had a house inspection, I pushed too hard one of the days with extending myself exercising, my government payment as been reassessed, and I had one of ‘my body just not having a good day’ (for anyone with chronic illness this is normal) episodes, but I still endeavour to get the tasks I have listed for a particular day completed. So prepared with my notebook and all the relevant details listed, I called the company that we owe money to for services provided at my last house.
Just to bring you up to date – I was living away from my home state and family (am a free-spirit), house-sharing with three others when I had my turn. As a result of my physical and mental medical damage from my episode, I now need the care and support of my kids and family, so I have moved back home, not too many parents get to say that – “ooh I had to move into the kid’s place”.
So back to where I was. Ring this company, eventually get to the accounts department and explain it all to the ‘customer assistance officer’. The young lady states quite cheerfully that having the deduction from my Centrelink payments is doable, then gives me the smallest amount I can have deducted. It is over one-third of my fortnightly payment. When I tell her this is not possible because of what I need available for medical reasons, and she responds that “nothing I can do, this is the smallest amount that the computer will accept” that is the moment I just fell apart. My head started to thump, my heart was racing, pain radiating from my left arm, and I had blurred vision. I explained this to the young lady and told her I could not continue. I hung up! I know I will have to deal with it at some point but just not today.
Now back to the original idea behind the sharing of this. If this had happened in May I would have dealt with it, and not even given it a second thought, sadly now I have lost part of the day, as I had to go lay down until I was feeling better, and I still have to resolve the issue anyway. I will put this off as long as possible because I am embarrassed by the fact that I can not cope with so simple a task. I know that the person on the other end of the phone has no idea why I ended the call. I feel useless because this is an easy task the so many people deal with daily, yet my response is to disconnect the phone.
It is not until you have experienced the vulnerability of not functioning as society deems normal can you get your head around the different behaviour or the way in which you will approach a problem or issue. It creates a vulnerability that you fight to hide from the world as you do not want anyone to think less of you.
I now happily wait in line at the shops, bank, various government offices, service providers, and medical clinics, without complaint, because I have no way of knowing about the person being cared for, it could be a ‘me’ having a really bad day and the assistant is giving all required help.