I can still manage a smile…

Hello to you, hope your day is wonderful and I sincerely thank you for clicking on the link to see what I have to share.

I am not having a good day today. I woke up having one of my little epileptic turns, and whilst it is not life threating, it is terrifying. I can not actively part-take in anything, but I am fully aware of what is happening, and no-one else around me has any idea. There is this over powering sickly sweet smell; I have pins/needles radiating within my left-hand side arm, shoulder, and hand; I am aware of what is happening but I can not talk or verbalise to others;  I have to sit as my vision and head cease to work as a team, and whilst this last for about two minutes it takes me some time to find my bearings again.

So from this rocky little start, I am not coping with anything today. Before I had my seizure, I would have described myself as a very capable person. I never backed away from any challenge, and would always make certain that what needed to be done was. I was a female tradesman in a male industry before the government made it an equality issue, I raised my children on my own, I went to university in my 40s to gain my degrees, and I can continue to list the things I have done without thinking about it, simply because it was there. Now I am struggling with the notion of “can I go for a walk to the corner store”. I really do not understand why I am having these overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, and worse, I have no idea how I can stop them.

I have been reading blogs for years now, as I find it interesting when others share portions of their life. You read it and make all the right sounds – ‘ooh, how brave’: isn’t that person wonderful’: ‘I don’t know that I could…”, sometimes you may even post something about how inspired you are, or state what an amazing thing it is…, then move on to the next blog or activity on your ‘to do list’. What I have discovered in the past few months is that once you actually live through an event that changes your life the words these faceless bloggers share actually take on meaning, often giving you the strength to not end your worthless life.

Reading and writing have always been my saviour, (I will share that story as to why this is so on another day) but sadly since my mental meltdown, I have had problems accessing my guardian. Apparently, damage to the brain can occur from not just high profile causes, but a varied selection that does not make for good TV/movie story lines and therefore does not get mentioned.

I have ticked a couple of the boxes, an unexplained bleed into the frontal lobe, scaring within my brain for which there is no previous medical data, epilepsy again with no prior history, and an extended period in a medically induced coma. I have damage, for how long and how intense is yet to be seen. This, for me, has the end result of I am now having problems with writing my ideas out, finding shelter within the words laid out in a novel, or simply just reading a comment within a Facebook comment. The single tool I have used to escape all the horrors in my life since I was five years old, is no longer an option for the moment.

Once I decided that I would not let this get the better of me, and I would seek out answers for myself, it has become more of a daily task. If I wake and I am having a good day I will set a few chores to do for the day, and I try to make these more than the last good day I had. If it is a bad day than it is simply to find a single reason to smile and be grateful that I am awake.

The reader in me has purchased a book that I carry with me at all times. Yes, it is a classic, with over a hundred stories in it so I will not run out of material too quickly, and I will get something new out of each story. The upside to having brain damage is I am currently relearning everything anew. The writer in me is working on this blog. Yes it has taken me the better part of the day to write, and the English teacher in me would most likely have a field day correcting it, but it is something I can share with others and say “Yes I did that!”

So whilst I am struggling with some days more than others, and I have lost my self-confidence always expecting my world to collapse in on me, I am finding a reason to open my eyes each day. It may not be much to anyone else but for me, it is like climbing Mt Everest.WIN_20170825_14_44_53_Pro (4)

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